“A Love letter to the one who could never understand this beautiful mess”
Love Letter: It wasn’t may be what we all call it “LOVE”, the most complicated yet beautiful word that could be made out of four letters, but it wasn’t even anything else lesser than that too, for I who had put faith in the power of endearments and been proven wrong again and again, you came as a hope, a hope that I too can love and be loved, “My soul has finally found its mate” category love. We weren’t actually same, but the difference wasn’t enough to fade away the power of being ‘synced’. I could believe that you didn’t come simply to color the rainbow in my life but to create me a new world with an entire different rainbow that I have never seen but have always longed for. I saw the spark. I saw the hope. I saw you. I believed in all your sweet nothings, all your false truths. My heart was laughing again, I could feel that familiar rush within me. Things changed since you came, so did they when you left. You brought a belief along with you that fairy tales might be true, that there is indeed a Romeo for every Juliet out there and I felt lucky to have found mine. It was like finding a piece of yourself you never knew was lost, and I couldn’t realize it until I met you. For all the time when I was with you, nothing was worth any attention of mine but you. You changed me and I had let you. I was falling for you, for you as you were, knowingly that wasn’t maybe actually YOU. I was soon in love with the things I never really was fond of, you had me before I could know, you said things that fostered the endless loop of daydreams, little did I know I was imagining things that were never going to happen, but your ignorance soon broke the reverie.
You made me believe in magic again, life seemed more worthy to live for. Looking at you would make me happy, the feeling of content you experience while lying on grass, gazing stars in the clear sky night and humming that song, that feeling of serenity is what I sensed whenever I had my eyes on you. You infused calmness in my mind. I had lost all the fear suddenly but the one of losing you. My fantasy had a face now, I could point at it and shout out to the world that you were never a mirage. I found myself when I was lost in you. Your troubles were our troubles now, your dreams became part of mine too. I was putting endeavors for your happiness keeping everything else at stake, every that fucking thing that had mattered to me so much before you came. I contrived to relate the very reason of my existence to you. We just need a single reason to fall in love, you basely gave me new reasons every day, and I couldn’t resist falling for you hopelessly.
But that was the biggest sin I committed, I loved you even when I had speculations over uncertain truth, even when somewhere I wasn’t sure if you have ever loved me, even when I could see you turning face when I needed you, even when somewhere I knew thought of me never tickled you, even when I knew you will wake up one day and feel differently, even when I knew you’ll leave without saying a word. I loved you even when you told me it wasn’t love. I had still thought of you, I had still adored you, I had clearly made a fool out of myself, but as they say, it wasn’t logic, it was love.
(Love Letter continued) We stand here today, where you left claiming you never meant anything you said or did and I can’t but wonder if my thoughts were just as meaningless as your words were. My futile efforts in understanding what went wrong have drained me. I can now do nothing but look back and figure out the signs of troubles I failed to see earlier being blinded by the world you showed me. You had never cared, you had never been bothered, you were seeking something that I could never deliver, and I was seeking something which was beyond your intentions of delivering ever. Being on different pages, we could never become part of the same story.
But I was happy to see you un-bothered, I was happy to see you being completely unfazed when I was here being obsessed over the delusion of so called US clearly knowing with me or without me, nothing changes in your life.my obsession worked for you in every possible way, it made it quite convenient for you to deny the spoken words of affection and leave. You were playing all these games and I didn’t know the rules. They say meeting of royal and dreamer gives way to mutual fascination, sure I was pretty fascinated by the ‘sugar’-coated game of words. But I had questions you could never answer, I had expectations you could never live up to. Clarity was all I asked for ever, clarity of thoughts, clarity of words, clarity of intention! When finally came the clarity, just friends and merely chilling buddies it got tagged as. What I perceived it to be as was absolutely nowhere near to your definitions. And hence for once and finally I understood while being there for you always, I was missing out being there for someone more important–ME. I was ignoring my desires, my needs, my feelings, my dreams while being busy to be your ideal woman or your ideal need of the hour and I can’t do it now. I need me, and I am choosing myself over you. I can no more censor my ardour to your chill factor.
I don’t hate you and I know I’ll fail terribly if I try, in fact I want to thank you for coming in my life and teaching me that being cynical sometimes is the best thing you can do for yourself, I am happy to see you happy, but I am more delighted to see that I have realized I deserve to be happy too and must do every possible thing that makes me happy. You made me realize my own worth, thank you for not caring otherwise I could have never figured out the way out on my own. Thank you for making me understand stand I have to be mine before I am anyone else’s.(Love Letter)
Believing in everything that happens, happens for a reason, I am trying to get over the reality, a lot has been done, a long way yet to go, but quite certain, will soon have no trace of you left with me to grumble. maybe I was a hurricane to someone who couldn’t handle even a little rain, or maybe you were like a maze I was trapped in for a while, but was out soon trying to reach that ray. Sometimes, things have to fall apart to make way for better things, thus the faith hasn’t gone, that belief is still there. Though now I am not going to settle for anything less than what I deserve and I deserve someone who appreciates my beauty as well as my bruises, and that someone out there will with that key will come across at the right time and at the right place and till then I resort to be fabulous again as the heart of gold is meant to race.(Love Letter ends)